Movie Reviews from
By John Ruch
© 1996 CM Media, Inc.
The Substitute (1996)
Director Robert Mandel is best known for the films “F/X,” about a special effects man fighting gun-toting conspirators, and “School Ties,” about anti-Semitism at a school.
Odd as it
may sound, “The Substitute” is best described as a combination of the two. It
stars Tom Berenger as Shale, a soldier of fortune who
comes home from a long day of infiltrating
While she recuperates, he goes undercover in the blackboard jungle as a substitute teacher. He wires every room and hallway with video cameras and has his mercenary team track gang members.
Soon he
discovers a drug cartel run by student gangs, the principal (Ernie Hudson),
Native American smugglers and a rival
mercenary. Oh, and he finds time to change his students’ lives along the way. Puts that wussy old Mr.
Berenger’s one of those actors who needs strong direction to perform well, and he doesn’t get it here. In his plaid shirt and Pat Boone haircut, he seems like Forrest Gump gone Rambo.
Some of his amusing antics include: throwing Chinese stars at a world map; scaring a man so badly he defecates in his pants; showing off facial and arm scars that look like something he bought in the seasonal item aisle at Kroger around Halloween; being victimized by men wielding jai alai balls and cattle prods.
But he’s nothing without the script, which provides him with gonzo quotes to rival even Charlie Sheen. How about this classroom exchange:
“Who won World War II?”
“Yo’ momma.”
“Who
discovered
“Fat momma.”
Well, Tom’s not gonna take any guff from those punks. “That’s real special,” he tells ’em. Later, to instill respect, he informs them, “I’m the monster god of everything in my universe. Fuck with me and you will suffer my wrath.”
But deep down, he’s a softie: “C’mon Janie, don’t cry. Sit down and have a shrimp roll.”
Inevitably,
he squares off against his foes. It becomes “The Principal vs. The Substitute”
when
This leads to a minor war inside the school involving machine guns, sniper rifles, bazookas and grenades. Dozens of corpses are left to rot in the halls.
But as Tom drags his only surviving pal from the building’s blown-out hull, he philosophizes, “Too bad we had to fuck up the school. I feel bad for the kids tomorrow.”
And heck,
he never even taught as a substitute.