Movie Reviews from
By John Ruch
© 2001 John Ruch. All rights
reserved.
What Would “Die Hard” Do?:
Movies Vs. Terrorism (column, 2001)
Robert
Altman and Saddam Hussein are in agreement:
There sure
are a lot of films that don’t look so fun anymore: “Executive Decision,” “Air
Force One,” even Barbra Streisand’s “Up the Sandbox.”
That goes especially for the
But not many people take Bob and Saddam seriously. Except for the Army.
“Variety”
reported last month that the Pentagon has commissioned
The personnel list ranges from fitting to bizarre, and the conferences must be extremely weird. Has “MacGyver” writer David Engleback recommended building anti-terrorist robots out of a bicycle and old oven mitts? Is Mary Lambert, director of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” video, ordering our troops to wear their underwear outside their clothes?
Imagine the suggestions from directors Randal Kleiser (“Grease”) and Spike Jonze (“Being John Malkovich”): “Turn Osama bin Laden into a slutty cheerleader!” “No, turn him into John Malkovich!”
We decided to review the work of some of the recruits to see what advice they’ve already given us. Remember, this your tax—and ticket—dollars at work.
Die Hard (1988)
The recruit: Steven E. De Souza (writer).
The terrorist plan: Thieves blow up a skyscraper to pretend they’re terrorists, knowing that the knee-jerk police reaction will help them escape.
The solution: By sheer luck, have a wisecracking cop loose in the building who kills them all.
Quotable: “I will never even think about going up in a tall building again.”
Die Hard 2 (1990)
The recruit: Steven E. De Souza (writer).
The terrorist plan: Get a prisoner freed by hijacking an entire airport and threatening to let all incoming planes crash.
The solution: By sheer luck, have a wisecracking cop loose in the airport who kills them all.
Quotable: “How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?”
Invasion
The recruit: Joseph Zito (director).
The terrorist plan:
A terrorist army attacks
The solution: Have an ex-CIA agent with two guns and a pickup truck kill them all.
Quotable:
“Eighteen hours from now,
The Rocketeer (1991)
The recruits: Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo (writers).
The terrorist plan:
Conquer the world with flying soldiers wearing jet-powered backpacks, and when the
The solution: Let the improved model fall into the hands of a clean-cut young pilot, who will trick the villain into killing himself. Especially if a zeppelin is available.
Quotable: “What’s a movie star need a rocket for anyway?”
Fight Club (1999)
The recruit: David Fincher (director).
The terrorist plan: After making sure all the employees are home, blow up all the credit-reporting agencies.
The solution: No solution is necessary. This is an excellent idea.
The movie’s solution: Interestingly, the hero turns out to be the villain. Might want to sit down a spell and think about that.
Quotable: “Our
war is a spiritual war.”