Movie Reviews from
By John Ruch
© 1997 CM Media, Inc.
Which Movie Stars Love Their Fans (column, 1997)
I hereby confess to the world that I once sent a happy-birthday letter to William Shatner, for which I received a signed photo and an offer to join a fan club for 15 bucks. That latter part jarred my anti-commercial sensibilities and I’ve never felt the same way about Bill since.
But he is now Bill to me, which counts for something. He tried. We concluded the sacred pact of the fan letter. And that’s what a truly gracious (and smart) star will do if they want to stay on top: Remember the little people who keep them famous and overpaid.
This summer, I got to wondering who’s the most gracious movie star of them all. Which is to say I got the fan-letter itch again in what you might call a pathologically big way.
So at the beginning of June, I mailed out fan letters to 105 movie stars, both megafamous and no-so-megafamous. They all got the same form letter with necessary individual touches; here’s the Winona Ryder model:
I’ve never been much of a fan-letter writer,
but I just wanted to drop you a line thanking you for all the years of
entertainment you’ve provided me with your various performances. I especially
enjoyed your work in “Heathers.”
Thank you, and best of luck to you in your future efforts.
In drafting the letter, two things were of main importance. First, I didn’t want to be dishonest to stars whose work has bugged me. In thanking them for “entertainment,” which for me includes critical thinking, I was quite honest. I tried to cite their film which challenged me most, and my good-luck wish was sincere.
Second, I was careful not to ask for any sort of response, though I did provide my name and address at the end. I wanted unsolicited graciousness.
When you pull a weird stunt like this, you always learn something unexpected. In this case, I learned that Michael Levine’s “The Address Book” (1997 edition), from which I got my star addresses, is one-quarter crap. Twenty-five of my letters were returned for bad addresses. If I’d bought the book, instead of going to Borders and copying out the info I wanted, I’d be pissed.
Anyway, that’s 25 stars who may very well be gracious, but I’ll never know. They include Ryder, Nicolas Cage, Charlie Sheen, and both Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger (sniff, sob).
But there’s
a sadder number, kids: 14. That’s how many responses I’ve received after five
months of eager dashes to the mailbox. That means 66 of
But back to those 14 heroes. I’ve ranked their responses, which mostly consisted of photos, so you can see who’s in the Top 10 Most Gracious Movie Stars list.
I made rapidity of response the main quality, since simply getting something from your favorite movie star is the main idea. I gave extra points if the picture was signed, more if it was personalized (“To John…”). I took away points if it included a sales pitch or if the signature was obviously fake.
(Whether an autograph-machine copy, a photo of a signed photo, or a secretary’s passable fake, all the signatures are probably phony, but a real pen-and-ink signature at least lets you dream.)
Here, then, are the Top 10 Most Gracious Movie Stars (and some also-rans) and descriptions of what they sent me:
1) Charlton Heston—One
week after I mailed him a letter, I had a glossy color 4x6 with what looks like
a real signature. This man is the prince of
2) Kathy Bates—An artsy black-and-white 4x6 with a “real” signature. A character actor who knows every fan counts.
3) Emma Thompson—All the
way from
4) James Belushi—Slow (a month and a half) on delivery but high on quality: a black-and-white 8x10 with a “real” signature (in silver ink!) made out to “John R.” The sort of thing that makes a well-wishing fan feel good.
5) Joe Pesci—The weirdness award: A black-and-white “My Cousin Vinny” still with “real” signature personalized with “John, God is Good.” Interestingly, studio fine print on pic says, “This must not be sold, leased or given away.”
6) Robert De Niro—The even bigger Scorsese alum was the first disappointment. Black-and-white 5x7 with surly-looking De Niro in a movie scene (“Casino,” I think). Looks like a photo of a signed photo.
7) Randy Quaid—Black-and-white 4x6 with printed-on, computer-copy signature. Still better than brother Dennis, who sent nothing while needing every fan he can muster.
8)
9) Armand Assante—Glossy black-and-white 8x10 of Assante with black leather and big stogie is made out to “John, Best wishes to you,” but signature has been gone over twice. Maybe he’s just clumsy.
10) Jeff Bridges—Took until September for Bridges to respond with glossy black-and-white photo I at first mistook for Val Kilmer. But signature made out “For John” looks real.
11) Drew Barrymore—Black-and-white 5x7 shows an admirably clothed Drew sitting cross-legged on diner table. On back, apparently machine-printed signature with slogan “Spread the Sunshine” and primitive sun drawing. Actually, this one gets the weirdness award.
12) Denzel Washington—Glossy black-and-white 5x7 says “God Bless!” God needs to bless the hapless autograph-machine operator who laid down this blotty mess. But the thought counts.
13) Jim Carrey—The first megastar didn’t weigh in until mid-October with a black-and-white 8x10. Cutey-pie expression and slogan “SPANK YOU VERY MUCH!” grosses me out on a personal level. A photo of a photo besides.
14) Pierce Brosnan—By my own rules, James Bond makes #12, but I’ve demoted him out of pure disgust. All I got was a post card from the “Pierce Brosnan International Fan Club” offering me the opportunity to pay $30 for a newsletter, signed photo and a “one-time T-shirt designed by Pierce.” Proceeds go to breast and ovarian cancer research, but still. Fans have already paid to see his movies!
What to think of the 66 others who’ve snubbed me? Many are mega-stars, and you could reason that they just get too many letters. Really, though, they can also afford more people to send out more photos faster. Furthermore, they’re not all mega-stars: I’ve been snubbed by both Eric and Julia Roberts. Bottom line is that they just don’t care enough about their mailbox-watching fans.
Sadly, the Evil 66 includes some of my personal favorites. But I feel I must name them all (see sidebar, below), in the interest of well-intentioned fans who might be burned by their lack of graciousness. As you read the list of shame, remember the example of Charlton Heston: Become a better letter-writer, say “thank you” more often and fight evil societies of apes. Or something like that.
The Evil 66
The Evil 66 Who Love Your Money More
Than You: Danny Aiello, Alan Alda, Woody Allen, Tom
Arnold, Kevin Bacon, Adam Baldwin, Stephen Baldwin, Antonio Banderas,
Angela Bassett, Warren Beatty, Corbin Bersen, Kenneth
Branagh, Matthew Broderick, Sandra Bullock, Michael Caine, Glenn Close, Sean Connery, Kevin Costner, Tom
Cruise, Jamie Lee Curtis, John Cusack, Jeff Daniels,
Rebecca De Mornay, Gerard Depardieu, Johnny Depp, Michael Douglas, Robert Duvall, Clint Eastwood,
Emilio Estevez, Bridget Fonda, Harrison Ford, Andy Garcia, Richard Gere, Mel Gibson, Gene Hackman,
Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, Anthony Hopkins, Dennis Hopper, Tommy Lee Jones,
Harvey Keitel, Val Kilmer, Jack Lemmon, Steve Martin,
Demi Moore, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Jack
Nicholson, Nick Nolte, Julia Ormond, Al Pacino, Bill
Paxton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Brad Pitt, Dennis Quaid, Keanue Reeves, Eric Roberts, Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone, Donald Sutherland, John Travolta, Kathleen
Turner, Carl Weathers, Sigourney Weaver and Bruce Willis.